So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
