You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
