I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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