I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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