I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
