you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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