I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
