He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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