I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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