Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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