A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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