the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
