I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize