my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
