I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
