the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
