I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
