someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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