Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I looked at my own cervix.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
