I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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