I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
