If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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