I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
