the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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