What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
