Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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