I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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