i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
