I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
