So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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