thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
