He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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