She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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