I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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