Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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