I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
