you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
