Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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