I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
