I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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