why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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