Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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