Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
