We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
