i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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