Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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