8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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