new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
