every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
