the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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