A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
