Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
