I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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